Paradox lessons from Brené Brown

Brené Brown is known for her work on vulnerability, shame, and courage and draws insight from her study of Carl Jung. Brown brought me to the understanding that paradox is critical for wholeness and also a central part of the human experience. She suggests that the notion of paradox is inherent in vulnerability, because showing vulnerability is in itself an act of strength. To be strong, you must expose your weakness. For example, disclosing your failures to your peers can increase their confidence in you – the paradox is that what happens in these scenarios is the opposite of what you would expect.

I can see how this works because I have never shied away from showing my weakness. In work settings, I was always pointing out things I didn't know and sought out self-improvement opportunities. The more I did it, the more at ease everyone around me became. I wasn't expecting perfection, I was expecting us to do our best and learn together. Once that was clear to everyone around me, it made work much more engaging and enjoyable because a lot of the pressure to be perfect was off.

I wouldn't have understood how this was a paradox without the study of vulnerability done by Dr. Brown. She also introduced me to the concept of "splitting the ambivalence" in her podcast conversation with Esther Perel. This is the idea that when two people are polarized around a decision, one person will take on the part of certainty and another will take on the uncertainty. In truth, the situation is much more complicated and there is usually a paradox - they want something and there is context to why they are uncertain.

For example, if one partner wants to go on a certain trip, but the other says no.  It could be that there is more context to why they don’t want to go, but instead they let the no stand on its own.  By doing this, it seems like they have 100% of the doubt in the conversation.  The paradox is that they may have ambiguity themselves, but instead are taking all of it in the partnership.  

That has been a constant struggle in my relationships because I come off as much more certain in my language than I actually feel. This is likely a coping mechanism that keeps me from being vulnerable and showing my insecurity around the topic we are discussing. When trying to coparent my kids in complex emotional situations, it is really important that my wife and I be able to communicate the gray areas. Understanding this paradox between being sure of my opinion and also insecure in myself is extremely valuable knowledge.

In her podcast with the actors and authors Mark and Jay Duplass, she points out how many paradoxes they use in their art and relationships. There are a lot of interesting points about how being able to hold the tension between two ideas and handle the discomfort is an important attribute. This resonates with me as I can see in some relationships when people get stuck trying to deal with either/or when the real answer is both. I feel that discomfort, but this lesson reminds me that it is ok to be uncomfortable. In fact, it is necessary to handle the complexities of parenting and life.

Tips on how to use paradox for relationship building 

-Lean in to vulnerability: show off your imperfections, insecurities and weaknesses. Being comfortable with that is a sign of strength and will help build closeness with others.

-Pay attention to your surety: think about whether there are places in your key relationships where you might be splitting the ambivalence. Try taking a softer stance or providing the context of your decisions to make headway in polarized positions.

-Accept the discomfort: not being able to nicely categorize things can be very unsettling. Note that when your brain tries to make patterns, it simplifies things down and some of the information and context may be lost. Allow things to remain unsorted and see them for the whole picture, even if it is messy and uncomfortable.

Teach your kids that showing weakness is strength by modeling your own vulnerability.  Making them into brave warriors who can share their feelings and handle discomfort will be a huge boost to helping them build strong relationships through authenticity.