The power of paradox to manage anxiety and depression

Paradox taught me how to manage my anxiety. 

In fact, that was the first place where I really understood the power of holding two opposing thoughts at once. 

David Burns is the author of the "Feeling Good" and "Feeling Great" books. He has developed breakthrough techniques for challenging our negative thoughts and beliefs. He says that "paradoxical thinking can be a powerful tool for changing our thoughts and behaviors." 

One of core tenets of his work is the idea that to manage your depression or anxiety, you first must embrace the positive side of it.  That is a radical paradox because these conditions are considered extremely negative and harmful.  

I can attest to the effectiveness though.  Following his methodology put me in a position to control my anxiety and a set of tools I could use whenever I needed them. 

For me, recognizing that my own anxiety was the result of my drive for perfection and high expectations was the first step.  I realized that this anxiety was actually responsible for so much of my success: I overprepared for presentations, checked details in my documents multiple times, and paid close attention to exactly what everyone else cared about in meetings.  Those attributes were the ones that made me a successful employee and leader.

When faced with the idea that I would get rid of my anxiety, I thought, "That's ridiculous."  It had been with me far too long and become central to my thought process.  I couldn't imagine life without it. 

Then came the key step in the process: deciding that it wasn't about getting rid of ALL of my anxiety, it was about getting rid of the EXTRA anxiety.

That seemed much more doable.  In fact, a central part of the therapy process is determining exactly how much of the anxiety I wanted to keep.  I made a target, followed the steps, and was very able to turn down the dial on my anxiety and negative thoughts.

The magic in this process is removing the resistance to change.  It actually makes a lot of sense - if you want to get rid of all of your anxiety, and that is a core part of your success, you can try and try but your mind won't do it.  Once you acknowledge the part of the anxiety that is healthy and desired, your brain releases the rest of it.

That is the acceptance paradox.  To get rid of something that is causing you immense mental pain, you have to accept that it is helpful and doing good as well. 

I walk through how I apply this process for myself here.

That isn't the only way to apply paradox that I learned from Dr. Burns, either.  This same notion applies when trying to change someone else's mind.

It was recommended to me that one way to improve my interactions with my kids was to practice acceptance.  If you have gotten my five tips to reducing emotional warfare, this will sound familiar.

People don't like to be told what to do.  Kids are small people with outsized contrarian instincts.  They like to be told what to do even less because that is what happens most of their existence. 

There is a way to get them to be much more understanding of the lessons I am trying to teach. 

Essentially, if I want them to do something other than what they are already doing, the first step is to accept that they can do it however they want.  Truly accept this, not just empty words.

That will melt away their resistance.  Now it isn't a power struggle over what you are telling your kids to do.  It isn't headed for punishments or yelling.

It is just a suggestion, take it or leave it.  It is entirely up to them.

My son has said something like, "Well you are annoyingly right most of the time, so I guess I should listen." 

That is the resignation that comes with knowing the approach has worked.

How can you use this paradox in your daily life?

•  If you have mental health issues or persistent negative thoughts, try taking a more accepting stance towards them.  Write down three things that are clear positives about them - this isn't easy and may take some practice to get right.
•  Note the power struggles you face.  Try being completely accepting of the other person and their approach, while clearly voicing your own thoughts.  Watch as you let go of your own ego, how does the other person react?